Hey Laura thanks for checking this piece out and for the great comment :)
That’s a tough one, especially when you can’t turn those thoughts off when you really shouldn’t be working. It’s difficulty to silence that, but one glimmer of hope is that it definitely does get easier the more you do it. I hope you find a way of coping that works for you :)
I’ve read this with my head bobbing in agreement throughout. I’m often plagued with these sorts of thoughts. Comics isn’t my main job, I have a family (with a 4yo who doesn’t sleep) so most of the time, my window of working is somewhere between 8-10pm and there are many, many days where I’m simply too knackered but those guilty feelings are always there.
I feel it even more when I do collaborations, not that my collaborators contribute in any negative way, they’re always very understanding and supportive when I say “I’ve not had much time this week…”. Reflecting on this scenario specifically, I think it’s because I feel the obligation. There’s someone out there in the world waiting for me to do this thing and taking time for myself just feels wrong and the guilt sets in, especially if I have a run of concurrent days where I’m just too tired to work.
I’ve set myself a deadline to finish a project, but that’s only because I started it last year and I just want to get it done, there’s only 5 pages left to colour then lettering and it’s done so I think it’s achievable.
The pang of legacy also hits when you do have kids. Comics is a way for me to do something tangible. I’ve been working as a web designer/developer for 20 years now and there’s barely anything to show for it, in terms of a body of work (of course it’s allowed me to build the life I have, which is something to show for it). Hopefully, I’ll have many, many years until I snuff it and I’d like to leave behind a bit of work that future family members can look at, enjoy and perhaps get a sense of who I was.
I definitely should look into CBT, it sounds like it’ll be very useful for me! 😄
Thanks for the great comment Sam. It can be hard to shake those thoughts for sure, but I’d definitely recommend CBT. It’s not cheap but it does get results. That does sound like a wild work schedule you have already, so I think you have to cut yourself a lot of slack and take time off where you can to stay sane / healthy. I’m always happy to chat about these things if you ever need :)
It's always slightly jarring to read a fellow creator thinking, maybe even worrying, about the same subjects I have been struggling with.
I really relate to rest feeling like slacking, that the idea of legacy being the driving force behind that subconscious itch to use absolutely all free time on comics (or drawings, paintings, writings, games, reading for research) especially when one is the sole creator responsible for getting something out, and the pressure that not only do you need to get it out but it also needs to be the most amazing thing.
I think in this post-pandemic world, a mostly solitary activity like indie-creation can make it seem that if you're not putting anything out there regularly, everyone is forgetting about you but it's really not true. Conventions, and local meets have been such a good way to blast that line of thinking out of the water. My only wish is that they happened more often and weren't as expensive to get to!
I also felt, after a few weeks with a coach, that such worries come from the stories we're being told by our culture. This idea that if we're not grinding then we're failing was such a capitalist mindset that I still find it difficult to shake, even if I acknowledge it as 'not my story'. Society certainly doesn't show the same admiration for the people who spend their time being a good partner/friend/citizen, so I think it devalues these activities that are actually pretty important to having a good balanced life that can really benefit people.
Sometimes I hope that we can celebrate life stories that break away from this super-genius narrative. That the only true marker of success is how satisfied one is with how their life aligns with their own goals, not the goals that society tells them they should have.
My hope is always that other creators read these things and realise they’re not alone. Pressure is a good thing to bring up as it really can grind you down, even though we’re the ones putting the pressure on ourselves. We can be our own worst enemies in that respect for sure.
And you’re absolutely right, there seems to be a part of the creative culture that places the work above all else, and it’s so unhealthy. Turning 40 last year has made me become selfish in a good way, where I can finally take time for myself when I need it. The pressure can still hit me, but it’s less and less now.
I hope you find a great path forward. I’m always happy to chat about these things too :)
So much of this hit home. I'm also nearly 40 (just two years your junior) with the childless existence. We're immeasurably happy with that decision, but it does leave that urge to leave some type of legacy (for who, I have no idea).
The biggest reason I feel that urge is because I waited so long to get started. I've wanted to write since I was in grade school, but always found an excuse not to. Just lately - after a couple grim reminders that life is very, very short - did I decide to jump in with both feet. Feet which are now regularly held over the fire to try and make up for 20+ years of slacking.
Books like Killtopia also showed me that it's possible without waiting for permission - so thank you for that!
I've felt burnout in my corporate career as it was something I had no passion for. Skill and ability, yes, but not a true need to be there aside from getting paid. The signs haven't been cropping up yet, but I'm always on the lookout as it's very hard to dig out.
Hey Laura thanks for checking this piece out and for the great comment :)
That’s a tough one, especially when you can’t turn those thoughts off when you really shouldn’t be working. It’s difficulty to silence that, but one glimmer of hope is that it definitely does get easier the more you do it. I hope you find a way of coping that works for you :)
I’ve read this with my head bobbing in agreement throughout. I’m often plagued with these sorts of thoughts. Comics isn’t my main job, I have a family (with a 4yo who doesn’t sleep) so most of the time, my window of working is somewhere between 8-10pm and there are many, many days where I’m simply too knackered but those guilty feelings are always there.
I feel it even more when I do collaborations, not that my collaborators contribute in any negative way, they’re always very understanding and supportive when I say “I’ve not had much time this week…”. Reflecting on this scenario specifically, I think it’s because I feel the obligation. There’s someone out there in the world waiting for me to do this thing and taking time for myself just feels wrong and the guilt sets in, especially if I have a run of concurrent days where I’m just too tired to work.
I’ve set myself a deadline to finish a project, but that’s only because I started it last year and I just want to get it done, there’s only 5 pages left to colour then lettering and it’s done so I think it’s achievable.
The pang of legacy also hits when you do have kids. Comics is a way for me to do something tangible. I’ve been working as a web designer/developer for 20 years now and there’s barely anything to show for it, in terms of a body of work (of course it’s allowed me to build the life I have, which is something to show for it). Hopefully, I’ll have many, many years until I snuff it and I’d like to leave behind a bit of work that future family members can look at, enjoy and perhaps get a sense of who I was.
I definitely should look into CBT, it sounds like it’ll be very useful for me! 😄
Thanks for the great comment Sam. It can be hard to shake those thoughts for sure, but I’d definitely recommend CBT. It’s not cheap but it does get results. That does sound like a wild work schedule you have already, so I think you have to cut yourself a lot of slack and take time off where you can to stay sane / healthy. I’m always happy to chat about these things if you ever need :)
I hope you find a healthy path forward!
Dave
It's always slightly jarring to read a fellow creator thinking, maybe even worrying, about the same subjects I have been struggling with.
I really relate to rest feeling like slacking, that the idea of legacy being the driving force behind that subconscious itch to use absolutely all free time on comics (or drawings, paintings, writings, games, reading for research) especially when one is the sole creator responsible for getting something out, and the pressure that not only do you need to get it out but it also needs to be the most amazing thing.
I think in this post-pandemic world, a mostly solitary activity like indie-creation can make it seem that if you're not putting anything out there regularly, everyone is forgetting about you but it's really not true. Conventions, and local meets have been such a good way to blast that line of thinking out of the water. My only wish is that they happened more often and weren't as expensive to get to!
I also felt, after a few weeks with a coach, that such worries come from the stories we're being told by our culture. This idea that if we're not grinding then we're failing was such a capitalist mindset that I still find it difficult to shake, even if I acknowledge it as 'not my story'. Society certainly doesn't show the same admiration for the people who spend their time being a good partner/friend/citizen, so I think it devalues these activities that are actually pretty important to having a good balanced life that can really benefit people.
Sometimes I hope that we can celebrate life stories that break away from this super-genius narrative. That the only true marker of success is how satisfied one is with how their life aligns with their own goals, not the goals that society tells them they should have.
Hello Feff 👋
My hope is always that other creators read these things and realise they’re not alone. Pressure is a good thing to bring up as it really can grind you down, even though we’re the ones putting the pressure on ourselves. We can be our own worst enemies in that respect for sure.
And you’re absolutely right, there seems to be a part of the creative culture that places the work above all else, and it’s so unhealthy. Turning 40 last year has made me become selfish in a good way, where I can finally take time for myself when I need it. The pressure can still hit me, but it’s less and less now.
I hope you find a great path forward. I’m always happy to chat about these things too :)
So much of this hit home. I'm also nearly 40 (just two years your junior) with the childless existence. We're immeasurably happy with that decision, but it does leave that urge to leave some type of legacy (for who, I have no idea).
The biggest reason I feel that urge is because I waited so long to get started. I've wanted to write since I was in grade school, but always found an excuse not to. Just lately - after a couple grim reminders that life is very, very short - did I decide to jump in with both feet. Feet which are now regularly held over the fire to try and make up for 20+ years of slacking.
Books like Killtopia also showed me that it's possible without waiting for permission - so thank you for that!
I've felt burnout in my corporate career as it was something I had no passion for. Skill and ability, yes, but not a true need to be there aside from getting paid. The signs haven't been cropping up yet, but I'm always on the lookout as it's very hard to dig out.