Hello friends and welcome to a bonus post. I figured I’d do an extra one this month to make up for slacking it a little through June.
I decided to just freestyle this one. I wrote it almost like a stream of consciousness, and I hope you find the pointers and topics helpful. If you experience any of what I’ve said below, take some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
Before I dive in, if you’re reading this via social media or on a free subscription, my premium subscriptions are available for just $3.50 a month. It gets you my free monthly newsletter plus access to lots of comic making guides and other neat stuff.
Chuck your details below to subscribe for free or via the premium tier. Thank you :)
Purpose: what are you creating for?
This week, I started back at cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). I do it every few years just to fine-tune my headspace and iron out bad habits or ADHD traits that are creeping back into view.
If you’ve never tried CBT, I’d highly recommend it. It’s a bit like counselling but you get detailed exercises and techniques that can help change your approach to mental health challenges.
One of the issues I talked with my counsellor about was my inability to take time off from writing without feeling like I’m doing something wrong, or being incredibly lazy.
Like, I could sit down to play a video game (like Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge) or watch a movie, and eventually I’ll start to tune out from it, like I’m not really present. My focus and interest wanes, and my brain starts to go “hey, why aren’t you working?” or “hey, we really need to work on that script instead of chilling out.”
Now of course, I’m not talking about an actual voice in my head saying this, but it is a gnawing realisation that I really should be working instead of allowing myself downtime to recharge or be happy.
This is incredibly dangerous. If you give in to that ‘voice’ and don’t make time for rest, I guarantee you’ll eventually burn out. I wouldn’t wish full burnout on anyone, it’s horrific.
Legacy: what will you leave behind?
The other side of this gnawing push to create is legacy. I mentioned to my counsellor that I have this almost anxious drive to keep creating, so that after I eventually die, there will be proof that I once lived.
That might sound grim, and sometimes I do get irrationally nervous about how little life I have left to create things (and I’m only 40!)
That might sound absurd, but it goes back to the question of purpose. If I’m not creating comics or books, then what’s the point of me? What am I alive for?
We’re still working out where that relentless feeling is coming from, but we reckon it could be something subconscious that’s due to my wife and I deciding not have kids. I guess that could be true, as children are living proof you were alive.
Either way, you can see how this is a potentially dangerous way of thinking. I’ve seen other comic creators stress over this too. It’s the idea that if they don’t continually create output, then they’ll fall off peoples radars or lose relevance. That, in a way, is another form of non-existence.
Thinking logically: does any of this matter?
In short, no. It’s easy for me to say that, but I still get these flushes or anxiety and stress where I worry that I’m not doing enough work, and I’m in danger of slipping into obscurity.
Now, I know that’s not true, and I also know it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life. With a clear head, I can honestly say that I like my life. Lives are never 100% perfect, but sometimes it’s worth writing a pros and cons list to see just how good things really are.
Regardless, I’ve always said to friends, other creators and in interviews that money and fame don’t interest me, and I don’t want comics to be my full time job. This is the honest truth.
I’m more interested in telling the kind of stories I enjoy, having fun with it, meeting cool people, attending cool shows, making memories, and if my writing can make just one person laugh, smile or feel anything, then I’m happy.
And you should be happy too. Your creative output could make someone’s bad day feel brighter. It could inspire them to pick up a pen and become a creator too. You don’t get to see any of this of course, but trust me, your work *is* influencing the world in more ways than you realise.
How to switch up your brain and stop sweating about all of this
Here’s my advice to anyone who feels the burden of expectation or the pressure to continually create:
Remember this: you are not the output you create. You should never tie your own self worth to the quality and frequency of your creative output. You’re a complex person (we all are) with value and traits far beyond your creative work.
Question your path: take time to question what you want out of this. Do you want a career? If so, what does that even look like? Are you willing to do comics as a full time job? Weigh up the pros and cons, assess what would make you truly happy. There’s no point in stressing about an end goal or destination if you don’t even know what it is.
Creating isn’t the only way to impact the world: there are so many ways to leave a legacy than creating books. If writing or drawing is bogging you down, take a step back and reach out to a friend - even a quick ‘hello’ can brighten their day. You could even try volunteer work, or help other creators with script feedback or advice. There are so many ways to put yourself out there in a way that’s selfless and impactful.
Be mindful of time: comics take a long time to produce. If you’re stressing about getting more content out into the world, ask yourself why? Is there a deadline? If there isn’t, then why are you putting pressure on yourself to hurry up. Will something bad happen if you slow down, or will you be less stressed and create better work at a healthier pace? (Spoiler, it’s the latter) This isn’t a race and your peers are not your competitors. Plus, it’s only comics. They’re not worth harming your wellbeing over.
Give it a try
A painful as this might sound, if you had plans to write or draw comics soon (and if there’s no deadline) you should try just… not. Instead, do something for yourself. It could be playing a game, having a relaxing bath, hanging out with a loved one or anything else that makes you happy.
And if the gnawing feeling comes back, just tell yourself that what you’re doing is okay and healthy, even say it out loud if that helps.
Best of luck to you all, and if you ever want to talk about this stuff, please get in touch. I always love helping other creators vent or work through these things.
-Dave
It's always slightly jarring to read a fellow creator thinking, maybe even worrying, about the same subjects I have been struggling with.
I really relate to rest feeling like slacking, that the idea of legacy being the driving force behind that subconscious itch to use absolutely all free time on comics (or drawings, paintings, writings, games, reading for research) especially when one is the sole creator responsible for getting something out, and the pressure that not only do you need to get it out but it also needs to be the most amazing thing.
I think in this post-pandemic world, a mostly solitary activity like indie-creation can make it seem that if you're not putting anything out there regularly, everyone is forgetting about you but it's really not true. Conventions, and local meets have been such a good way to blast that line of thinking out of the water. My only wish is that they happened more often and weren't as expensive to get to!
I also felt, after a few weeks with a coach, that such worries come from the stories we're being told by our culture. This idea that if we're not grinding then we're failing was such a capitalist mindset that I still find it difficult to shake, even if I acknowledge it as 'not my story'. Society certainly doesn't show the same admiration for the people who spend their time being a good partner/friend/citizen, so I think it devalues these activities that are actually pretty important to having a good balanced life that can really benefit people.
Sometimes I hope that we can celebrate life stories that break away from this super-genius narrative. That the only true marker of success is how satisfied one is with how their life aligns with their own goals, not the goals that society tells them they should have.
I’ve read this with my head bobbing in agreement throughout. I’m often plagued with these sorts of thoughts. Comics isn’t my main job, I have a family (with a 4yo who doesn’t sleep) so most of the time, my window of working is somewhere between 8-10pm and there are many, many days where I’m simply too knackered but those guilty feelings are always there.
I feel it even more when I do collaborations, not that my collaborators contribute in any negative way, they’re always very understanding and supportive when I say “I’ve not had much time this week…”. Reflecting on this scenario specifically, I think it’s because I feel the obligation. There’s someone out there in the world waiting for me to do this thing and taking time for myself just feels wrong and the guilt sets in, especially if I have a run of concurrent days where I’m just too tired to work.
I’ve set myself a deadline to finish a project, but that’s only because I started it last year and I just want to get it done, there’s only 5 pages left to colour then lettering and it’s done so I think it’s achievable.
The pang of legacy also hits when you do have kids. Comics is a way for me to do something tangible. I’ve been working as a web designer/developer for 20 years now and there’s barely anything to show for it, in terms of a body of work (of course it’s allowed me to build the life I have, which is something to show for it). Hopefully, I’ll have many, many years until I snuff it and I’d like to leave behind a bit of work that future family members can look at, enjoy and perhaps get a sense of who I was.
I definitely should look into CBT, it sounds like it’ll be very useful for me! 😄